smile though your heart is breaking smile even though it's aching When there are clouds in the sky You'll get by.... A tad cliche I know but there are moments when nights of analyzing/affirmations can do nothing. Gah. I make no sense.
|[jessica]|[208]|[4:12 pm - Monday,April 21, 2003]

Your layout is great, i just wanted to say that
|[Brit]|[207]|[1:45 pm - Sunday,April 20, 2003]

What's in a sigh? A thought by any other name would be as deep. It's certainly not one of "resigned irritation" as you say. It's hard to describe, really, and it was a day ago already, but I will try my best, because I don't want you misinterpreting it to be something bad about you, cause it isn't. First, it's pretty clear that these are not happy joy joy ruminations you're going through. While perhaps necessary at times, that's just not the most fun thing that could be going on. Besides that, even if you are writing less lately, you seem to get more than your share of those times. Maybe you wouldn't change that; I don't know; but you do, and they aren't so fun, and so there's that recognition. Second, when I stop to think about things, I often come to this place where the suck of the world is just readily apparent. It can take various forms, from flat out depression {or at least a component thereof} to mere tiredness. Yesterday was a time of more the latter. Regardless, the way I typically respond is with a sigh. Something like that big long entry I had on New Year's 2003 {that you wrote me about, which really meant so much - thank you again} with the thinking on the beach and just sighing and shaking my head and saying, "My friends." Third and most specifically, the topic was, after all, suicide, or at least the knowledge that it is possible. I know when I emailed you once before, you assured me you would not do such a thing. The entry was about the knowledge, I know, not the act. Still and all, not the happiest of topics. I have this sort of horror at the thought of suicide, as well. {For others at least. It's not quite horror as to myself, yet there are strong things built in against it, I don't know quite what/how.} So even when I know you won't be doing it {or at least greatly hope/trust so}, it gets to me. This is not to say you shouldn't talk about it or anything like that; you have to write what you want/have to write. I can't promise it won't affect me, is all. In fact, I'd put money on it affecting me every time, to be honest. Not always like this, though. Uh, so yeah. Not irritated. Perhaps resigned, but only that the world is not so great sometimes. Mostly, just kindof a sad sigh, but one I wish I could follow with a, "Come here," and a real hug. Those are nice, I think. [Also, I seem to have not seen your last couple responses in my guestbook until just now somehow, so expect more writing later on.]
|[piotr]|[206]|[12:12 am - Sunday,April 20, 2003]

Sigh.
|[piotr]|[205]|[7:42 pm - Saturday,April 19, 2003]

Ha! Not that it's funny, but I just quoted that book on Thursday. And finished it yesterday. Today, I'm going to find another Cunningham book, because I really thought it was beautiful.
|[Carie]|[204]|[12:40 am - Saturday,April 19, 2003]

This entry reminded me of myself a few days ago when I suddenly had this thought of driving straight off the freeway ramp high above from the ground. Knowing you could die. Knowing you have that choice, and one day you could put a stop to it...To me, that gives me a meaning to life, and living. I know if I didn't understand a few words in your entry but...this is the thought I had after reading it.
|[komachi]|[203]|[11:51 am - Saturday,April 19, 2003]

your entries are the mere spillings of thoughts from my brain. thank you for knowing me, in a way we both know is more then nothing; or is it nothing more?
|[atom]|[202]|[5:00 am - Saturday,April 19, 2003]

it boggles my mind just how much I understand some of your entries... how I at one point could relate to them... which only makes me wonder what happened to me to change all that... when did I stop caring? oddly enough I almost wish I could go back to being that person.. because it was about 'feeling' and having endearing emotions... having faith? maybe "hope" is a better word... I'm not sure... the only reason I didn't kick anyones ass is because i refuse to show emotion when i'm around those I don't trust.. which is almost everyone.. had this happened a few years ago, I'd have been left in a stupor bawling my eyes out... now i'm just too selfish to let anyone get to me that way.... i have emotions, but the only people who see them are family... and occasionally perfect strangers with diaries :)~
|[bean]|[201]|[6:30 pm - Friday,April 18, 2003]

The whole concept of relationships plagues me as well. I find myself in a similar position: for some reason, my relationships are short-lived. It's not as if the conditions aren't right. I dunno, it's as if, I, for some reason, suddenly stop caring. I wonder if an imposed (and by now unconscious) self-defensive mechanism. As if there is a standard measurement for when I feel the commitment is too risky, my trust too indispensible.....anyways, just a novelette to let you know where you're comin from.
|[jessica]|[200]|[3:38 pm - Wednesday,April 16, 2003]

"Emma" is on a movie channel right now! I missed almost all of it, though...Thank you for letting me know which movie I heard that. It looks like an interesting movie from what I can see at the moment. So maybe I will try watching the whole thing if they come on again. :)
|[komachi]|[199]|[10:44 am - Tuesday,April 15, 2003]